It feels good to feel good

**On Your Side - A Rocket To The Moon**
**[MUSIC BLOG: most of my blogs are typically written with a single influential background song that is played on repeat, so to get the full effect, play the song in the background while reading the blog.]**

It's been some time since I blogged, but from what I hear, the wait is worth it. By that, I mean I've gotten some good reviews, and that's probably because I wait for the perfect time to write; when I'm deep in thought, and use this as an escape or way of unwinding.

It's going to be another complicated blog to get through, mainly because I like to take concepts that we experience as human beings and do not always explain, and attempt to write them down. Anyway, here goes nothing:

Physical Human Contact. There's just something about the physical interaction between two human beings. It can be scary, fun, interesting, pleasing, eccentric, curious, and so many other emotions. The one I want to focus on, is willing contact that releases an endorphin-like euphoria.

Many times found in what would be a relationship, a hook up to some, a sexual occurrence to others, or simply just hanging out, physical interactions with another human being can be one of the greatest experiences we encounter within our lives. There's just something about the warm skin of another person (when willing and compassionate) that releases a euphoria of feelings that are nearly impossible to experience any other way.

There's a good feeling we feel when we're accepted, there's another good feeling we experience when we eat delicious foods, but there's an entirely separate feeling we experience when we have human physical interaction. It goes beyond a feeling of being accepted, towards a feeling of being loved and cared for. It gives you a sense of closure that of the billion+ human beings in this world, there is at least ONE that cares about you, and is willing to take that very moment and share it with you. It's such a different experience than anything we think or feel as human beings. It's a special moment where we realize that another person who has feelings much like our very own is sharing a mutual understanding of the situation, and is fully aware of what is happening, yet they still partake in the action. It fills us with a sense of satisfaction.

It's challenging to take an indescribable experience, and put it down, but that's what I like to attempt here. I enjoy the challenge. Even better, I love sharing it with you all. And as for this feeling;

"It feels good to feel good."

Can't Say I Didn't Try;

**Saviour - Lights**
**[MUSIC BLOG: most of my blogs are typically written with a single influential background song that is played on repeat, so to get the full effect, play the song in the background while reading the blog.]**

First off, the music isn't really anything deep other than the fact that I saw Owl City tonight, and Lights was the opening band. Might I say, they were amazing as was Owl City. Before both bands was Paper Route too. :) All three bands were awesome live. (P.S. this was my first ever concert, i know >< )

But to move onto the blog, since it must be done, I decided on the way home from the concert. Have you ever wanted something? So bad you couldn't stand it. Ever felt like a donkey with a carrot, like there was something you could have that was so friggin' close yet you still couldn't have it. I must say the feeling is so powerful and intense, and at the same time it sucks, so much.

Ever wanted to say something, express how you feel, but seriously cannot find the right words or explanation. Like it's something that only your mind experiences and never your eyes. Those feelings we all experience that slam into the pit of your stomach; the one's that everyone else see as pathetic, and the one's that everyone else see as you just being weird, obsessive, or just plain crazy.

Those feelings that can take your stomach and flip it three-sixty. Yeahhh, they're intense, and one of the rough parts of life. It's equivalent to teething. The simple concept of a tooth breaking through your gums is definitely pain, but why do babies push toys against their gums, or why do we do it when we have our back teeth growing in? Why? Because even though it's painful, at the very same time, it feels really good.

That's the closest I can get to explaining this inner-feelings I'm speaking of. The one's that you know hurt, and the one's you just know are not going to be a good idea later, but you cease to accept that and just make it feel good at that very moment. In a way, we become selfish to ourselves if that makes any sense at all. We tend to be ignorant to the way we might feel later, and do what makes us happy at a given moment. We completely disregard how it'll affect us later. We forget we have other feelings, and become selfish to a particular moment. Paradoxical to a point. heh. ''/

With that, I had a combating view. Once again, contradicting myself, I want to discuss the feeling you get when you make the "bad choice" you regret later. Simply, it's all about; taking chances. There's a complete other side of the coin in thought when you're making a decision. You start to consider all the possible outcomes and think of things that could come out of your final decision, the one you really want to go with. And it quickly begins to motivate you and give you almost a cause for your actions or decisions. It's what we blame our benign thoughts on. We finally convince ourselves that if we don't take this "once in a lifetime chance" not only are we missing out on an amazing opportunity, but we will only regret NOT doing it later. We figure, if it turns out negatively, at least we tried. Ironically, it's that SAME attitude that gets us in trouble.

It's all about being torn, but by the cause of your own actions, thoughts, and decisions.

I guess it's part of living, part of growing, part of learning;

;part of life.

Let's Disappear Together

**Meditation**
**[MUSIC BLOG: most of my blogs are typically written with a single influential background song that is played on repeat, so to get the full effect, play the song in the background while reading the blog.]**

There's a difference between emo and meditation.

Emo, deriving from the term "emotional" focuses primarily on thinking bad thoughts and likely death. The word emo in today's culture has adapted a social connotation of one who is negative, suicidal, and down right disliked for their dark views on life.

Conversely, meditation is the general term for "deep thinking," at least to my connotation. It's the same exchange of thinking deep (both good and bad) about life and reflecting on it. From evidence of this blog, I'm what I guess I would call meditating and blogging at the same time, so here it goes.

Deep forests, and blue oceans, and miles and miles of flowers and grass and beautiful landscapes. It's what you see in movies, and in pictures, and if you're lucky, in real life. It's such a different feeling when you appreciate things like that. But what I'm focusing on is the false hope that they ensue. The great feeling of joy and a sense of beauty you get when you look at something beautiful or breathtaking is so fake, it's making my head spin.

Deep down, in everything beautiful is error. Somewhere, someplace, there's something wrong that totally throws off all judgment that you ever had on it. Whether it be a person, place, or thing that you consider beautiful, there's always something that destroys that innocent beauty you have withheld in your mind. Those miles upon miles of ocean water rested under the setting sun may be breathtaking, but that water could swallow up and destroy more lives than you can imagine. The creatures that embark it's waters destroy other creatures. While on the surface, it's beautiful, deep down, there are flaws - there's life.

We try to focus on the good times, and we try to focus on the beautiful things in life, but we remember, all beauty has it's limits, and all good things come to an end.

Life brings along these flaws. For every good moment, there's ten thousand bad ones. And we're told everyday, that the bad one's make us who we are, and they make us stronger. But let's face it, they suck!

My favorite quote, hands down, comes from an amazing film titled "Pay It Forward." The quote is simply:

"Life is shit."

Makes sense, huh? I'd like to think so. There are just so many negative and horrible things in this world that it make you wonder why endure and struggle? And the only real answer we can ever begin to muster is that we live for the good moments. Well, I have experienced my fair share of good moments, some more powerful than others, and for the most part, they're worth it.

We all have goals. And we all have dreams. It's a matter of getting to them, and achieving them. Those images and pictures, and scenes I mentioned earlier seem like the perfect escape; and sometimes they are. Just thinking about standing upon a mountain top stretched miles and miles across the open air with the rising sun sounds so relaxing, but what if it's the very same mountain top you're stranded on, and have been for weeks. That same beauty, now becomes a nightmare. This pretty much coincides and can be applied to many things in life. Life is beautiful in and of itself, but it can also be hell at the same time. I guess that's where our emos and meditators act.

Keeping the scatterbrained theme going, we're also told to live life on the edge. "Live like we're dying" sings Kris Allen. It's that same attitude that ends our lives too. So contradicting, but such a rush at the very same time. We're asked to take risks, but reprimanded when we screw up, or get really unlucky. Life, is nothing but one big risk. You've got a million and one decisions to make that could alter your life every moment you decide, and every decision is another risk. Sometimes, our decisions get the best of us, and we make the wrong ones, again and again. This is usually when we just want to disappear.

Let's disappear together. We can run, run into the woods, and the mountain tops, and the oceans, and get away from it all. What good will that do us? Mentally, it can be alleviating, but physically, and in today's world, it can put you in some really bad situations. But then again, I guess it really is all about what you put your mind to. We accomplish what we want to, or better yet, can do. It's just really amazing how this life works. This same life that we all experience, but in different eyes, and different relations, and different thoughts, and different smells. It's like as we all know it, personally and individually. Sometimes, we think about ending it, we think about having someone else end it for us. Sometimes we think about life without us, life without ever meeting us, life without our existence ever forthcoming. Sometimes, we think about life without us.

Most of the time, we just want to disappear. So I end with this, and this I say:

let's disappear together.

The Need To Be Needed

**She is Love - Parachute**
**[MUSIC BLOG: most of my blogs are typically written with a single influential background song that is played on repeat, so to get the full effect, play the song in the background while reading the blog.]**

Ever just wanted to be wanted?

Everyone grows up, but never the same.
We all have a story, and we all want to be heard.

Growing up is possibly one of the hardest things to endure in life, and it's funny because it's usually associated with being a child, but in my opinion, it's a life-long process. That is, there's always room for more maturity, there's always room for more growth, and there's always room to learn something new. Therefore, isn't growing up basically living?

This world and the people in it can do a pretty damned good job making it harder for others, but luckily this life works in balance and there are people equally comparable who make up for those who tear it down.

More on topic though, being wanted...
It's something we all want. You can be the coldest person around, with the nastiest attitude, yet deep down it's in human nature to be wanted and loved. Some are more lucky than others, but there's no real measurement for how lucky someone can be. We just want to belong, and we typically don't care how we get that feeling, to an extent.

It's amazing what people will accomplish or endure to get what they want. Especially as powerful as a feeling of being wanted.

Thanks For Waiting Until the Morning.

**Glitter in the Air - Pink**
**[MUSIC BLOG: most of my blogs are typically written with a single influential background song that is played on repeat, so to get the full effect, play the song in the background while reading the blog.]**

You know, I've been fortunate enough to never have seen a dead human body. However, this morning, I got to experience the touch, feel, and emotional presence of lifeless dog.

Coming down this morning to my very sick family dog (13 years old), I walked past him on my way to the bathroom. His breathing was heavier then ever. By the time I was done in the bathroom, my mother was already sitting with him on the floor. We began to discuss plans to take off of school and work to take him to the vet. It was already 6:15am, so with that, I went upstairs to throw some clothes on. Meanwhile, my father began to help my mom with the dog, and they helped him towards the door to go out for the morning. He made it to the door, and stopped. I just slipped my shoes on when I heard my mother scream out "ZAR! I think something's wrong!"

I ran down the stairs mentally preparing myself within those 2 seconds. At the bottom of the stairs by the door, my weak yellow-haired furry friend of 13 years lay. With my mother standing above demanding whether he's breathing or not, and my father at his side lifting his head screaming out his name, I keeled, frozen, motionless, thoughtless. I sat there is awe. I quickly leaned down and hugged him. When I began to smell feces, I looked up at my father. I watched him lose every sense of stability. My dad shrieked in emotional pain!

I've only ever seen my dad cry twice, and quite frankly, it's a horrible sight since he's (in my mindset) my protection. My dog wasn't just a family member, but my dad's best friend. And when my dad attempted to pick my dog up one last time and his head drooped and his tongue rolled out of his mouth, my father grabbed hold of our dog, and didn't let go for 15 minutes. As the whole family stood around my dog at 6:20am this morning, we knew it was finally over. My dog was finally pain-free and could rest. But we also knew that his physical existence in our household was in the past.

You'd be surprised if you didn't know how people handle animal deaths. It's very much like a human death. We had to cover him up, because it was hard enough while my mother attempted to contact some animal clinic for cremation, and the process. Eventually we put him in the car, and drove him off. When the 2 nurses came out and put him on an animal stretcher, and his body lay there lifeless, it hit me. My mother broke down in the parking lot. My father stood speechless staring at his best friend.

The day was particular. The chilled air, was cold, cold enough to make you complain if it was a normal day. But the temperature didn't matter. I could have been standing there in shorts and a t-shirt, and it wouldn't have made the difference. All I was concerned with was that one of my family members was gone. And to sit there and watch his lifeless body wheeled away was enough to push me.

You never think how hard the simple things become, like cleaning up his bed, blankets, toys, water and food, and everything else that he made use of during his life.

My cat (Riley) knows. She has been with him the last 3 weeks every night sleeping on his bed with him downstairs. When I came home, she immediately returned to my lap, something she hasn't done for weeks now. She's been in my room since I've been home, and she's just staring into space.

I think I could mentally be okay with all of this, mainly because I know he is no longer suffering, except for the visuals. I feel like it's going to be impossible to forget today, and all of its events. The mental images I have are forever embedded. I guess you can say I was lucky that it wasn't too graphic, and that he lived a long fruitful life. But one thing's for sure:

I miss my brother.



Rest In Peace
Zar Murphy

11.22.1996-02.01.2010

Ceramic Memories for the Weepless

**Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep - Libera**
**[MUSIC BLOG: most of my blogs are typically written with a single influential background song that is played on repeat, so to get the full effect, play the song in the background while reading the blog.]**

I'm lost for words, but I want to blog. Doing so, I feel like I can best convey these inner tensions. The musical version of the famous poem "Do not stand at my grave and weep" is playing in the background, and I'm sitting here reflecting on the live and death of my grandmother. I speak of her like she's Jesus herself, "Life & Death." I thought it was phenomenal when I found out there were musical versions of the poem, which is proudly printed on my grandmother's prayer card from her funeral. I can still remember when my mother came home and told my family which poem her and my grandfather picked out. They chose the poem because my grandmother was one who pushed moving on with life, and not letting yourself get caught up on anything. She was one who was there for moral support so you could keep going on with your needs. The last thing she would want is anyone to sit around and feel bad for her, especially since she is finally pain free. I guess that too is pretty alleviating, that it's almost an entire year that she is now pain free. She would have been only 64 this month. It's a shame because we human beings can really push 80 with decent care; but I guess everyone has their time. When I don't think about her, it's easy. When my mind is rushing with everyday business, or with simple worries, it's nice when she doesn't cross my mind. But when the parts of life where she is supposed to be there, and she's not...it hurts. It's best described like when you get extremely nervous about something. Your throat gets a frog in it, and you get a bit dizzy, almost like your body can't handle what's running through your head.

She sits everyday in my living room. There is my grandmother. We have her couch that she owned when she was alive, but across the room she sits [or lies]. She was cremated, a wish of her own before she passed. So I guess when we read that poem within her prayer card, there really is no grave, but only a ceramic box in which her remains rest forever. I would assume with the closest relation, she would like to have it that we do not stand near her "memorial section" in my house, and weep over her. Rather, I think she would like it that we reminisce and remember how great she was.

I'm pretty sure I wanted to blog more about just my grandmother, but it seems that is all my brain could muster before exhausting. With an annoyance of a headache, and weariness of eyes, I'm going to call it quits on this entry. Hopefully more to come, and not so spanned out, I will be writing again soon. In the meantime, reflect on these:

"We are tomorrow's past."
-Mary Webb

"Presence is more then just being there."
-Malcolm S. Forbes

"You do not get to chose how you're going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you're going to live. Now."
-Joan Baez